Training for the Idiot: Day One

(kctourwalk.com)

April 3, 2013

9pm

Idiot Master Bedroom

The Idiot and his wife are watching “Nashville”. (Quit laughing, I like Connie Britton, what can I say?)

The wife glances over at her Idiot husband, the Idiot husband that is clutching two chocolate chip cookies in one hand and a cool glass of milk in the other.

“How’s that training coming Idiot?”

(My wife, holder of two degrees in the Dark Arts of Psychology, knows exactly which buttons to push)

April 4, 2013

Idiot Household

Clad only in dark green jockey briefs (TMI), the world’s whitest human shuffles across the floor and approaches the digital scale.

He sucks in his gut, raises his shoulders, throws his head back, and then lets out more air than a Sperm Whale that has been submerged for three hours. Now shriveled and “airless”, the idiot wobbles onto the scale and tries to stand perfectly still.

The scale creaks, cracks, and groans under the weight of the overweight whitest man on the planet.

289.6

That is my official APPALACHIAN TRAIL TRAINING PROGRAM starting weight.

In my head, I envision starting hiking at about 225 lbs. The trail supposedly takes 10%-20% off your body weight over the course of the hike, so this would result in a triumphant photo atop Mt. Katahdin with my weighing UNDER 200 lbs for the first time in about 25 years.

Minutes later, the training has commenced.

The Idiot has waddled out of his closet.

Gray New Balance Running Shoes
White “bootie” socks
Blue Running Shorts
Bright Red “CANADA” pullover
Bright Yellow “Oregon Ducks” Baseball Cap
Green Ipod

The Idiot in Training looks like something out of a Simpsons Cartoon.

And with that, the Idiot clicked on his Ipod, Katy Perry and “California Gurls” started blaring, the front door slammed shut, and the Idiot headed out onto the streets of his tiny town.

Note to self: Cold, Misty, Foggy weather with temps in the 40’s, with a wind chill in the 30’s, is GLOVES weather!! Get gloves ya idiot!!!

After two short miles of walking, with frozen hand still clutching the Ipod, which is now playing “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, the idiot returns home. The first two miles of walking have been logged. (Baby steps Idiot…Baby Steps)’

Before long, I will be a lean, mean, walking machine………..

I’ll try to do weekly updates on my training each Monday. I figure making everything public, including my current weight, will pressure me into staying on course. If I start to slack off on the exercise, or start to GAIN weight, please feel free to let me have it in the comments. I’m like a little puppy. Whack me upside the head with a rolled up newspaper a few times, and I’ll learn not to pee on the carpet. Not that I pee on the carpet or anything, just so we are clear on that….. no carpet peeing here. I don’t know about Steve, but MY carpets are safe.

“The Plan” (Read first)

April 1st, 2016

Two broken down, middle-aged Idiots are going to stand atop a mountain in Northern Georgia, will laugh, joke, and will then “high five” each other, before turning and starting to walk north…..

Towards a sign atop a mountain in Maine, over 2,000 miles away.

Yes friends, you read that correctly….

Two THOUSAND miles!

This will be no grand April Fools Day joke.

Steve, aka “Taochild“, and Mark, aka “The Idiot“, will be attempting to hike the length of the famed Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine.

Honest.

We’re serious!

Quit laughing!

(n2backpacking.com)

The Appalachian Trail, usually just called the “AT”, stretches from Springer Mountain in Georgia all the way north to Mount Katahdin in Maine. The trail distance fluctuates each year due to minor changes, but usually ends up being around 2,200 miles long as it passes through a total of 14 states.

People crazy enough to attempt hiking the trail straight through are called “Thru-Hikers”.

Each year, thousands of people attempt to hike the length of the AT. Only about 20% actually succeed. People of all ages and all physical capabilities HAVE completed the trail. A successful thru-hike usually takes anywhere from 4-6 months depending on the speed of the hiker and the weather and trail conditions. Hikers carry only what they can carry on their backs and sleep in various shelters scattered along the trail or in tents that they carry in their backpacks. The trail passes through or near towns every 2-3 days, allowing the hikers to resupply as needed.

Hikers on the trail are not called by name, but instead use a “trail name” that they have chosen in advance, or one that is assigned by other hikers they encounter.

Most hikers, due to the weather conditions, will start their hikes in Georgia in March or April and will then hike north so that they can finish before the trail leading to the summit of Mt. Katahdin closes in Mid October.

Most hikers will average about 15-30 miles a day, hiking virtually every day of the week, irregardless of the weather. The weather can range from Snow in the mountains in the early and late stages of the hike, to blistering heat and humidity during the heat of the summer months. As I said earlier, the trail does go near or through many small towns, allowing the hikers to resupply, shower, eat a hot meal, and even stay overnight in a hostel or motel for a night or two of rest.

Like I said, the trail CAN be completed, and IS completed by people of all ages and physical capabilities. To many, the Psychological aspects of the hike is the hardest adjustment, causing many to drop out soon after starting their hike. I’m hoping that Steve and I are Idiots of such a high caliber that we are too dense to fully appreciate the Psychological pressures associated with living in the woods for up to 6 months straight.

Cell phone service is actually supposed to be pretty good over the length of the trail, resulting in the hikers being able to maintain fairly good contact with friends and family at home. So, other than the sounds of dueling banjos ringing through the valleys and hollers of Appalachia, it’s not like we are going to hiking out in the middle of “nowhere”.

Why?

We each will be posting about our individual reasons for undertaking this crazy idea.

The Plan

The plan is that we each spend the next three years PREPARING for this hike. To both of us, that means many of the same things.

Lose weight.
Get in Shape.
Train.
Buy Equipment.
Save Money.

Both of us are admittedly overweight and out of shape. We have plenty of time to rectify that. Once we are in shape, we can each work on hiking and walking in order to get our bodies ready for the daily grind that hiking 2,000 miles entails.
We obviously will need backpacks, tents, sleeping bags, water jugs, etc., all of which cost money. Add in the cost of food for 4-6 months of hiking, plus the occasional hotels in town, postal costs of shipping supplies back and forth between home and trail, costs or replacement supplies, shoes, etc. and the trail gets to be a pretty expensive proposition.

Waiting until 2016 gives us three years to get all our ducks in a row.

Then, the plan is to meet up in Georgia, on or around the first of April in 2016, head up to the top of Springer Mountain, get photographed at the marker indicating the beginning of the trail, and then we will start walking………….

and walking, and walking………

(Photo: Franconia Ridge along the AT – Paulbalegend)

Figuring that we each can spur the other to keep on walking, climbing, crawling……

All the way to Mt. Katahdin in Maine.

We each have different reasons for undertaking this mission.

By the time we finish, I’ll be 51 years old, while Steve will be 50.

Two Middle-aged Crazy Idiots, one from Texas, the other from Massachusetts, who just did the unthinkable, walking over 2,200 miles!

And that my friends…..is one heck of a plan!!